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Episode 105: Cold, Sexy Eyeballs
The Fires of Heaven, huh? Sure are fiery, huh? Welcome to season five! We talk about the title, the cover, and the prologue. Discussion topics include: World's Worst Dad, Horny for Land, Bavram Dashere, Find My Galad (it's an app), and Lesbian Boot Camp.
Episode 106: Cow Heaven
Chapter one of The Fires of Heaven is truly rancid. We're forced to discuss Randerdale, the Death Yo-Yo, Mat's Tax Evasion, OK Boomer Energy, and the Perfect MILF (not Morgase, sadly). Also: alternate Fires of Heaven titles.
Episode 107: Elite Forsaken Kill Squad
It may feel like the world is screeching to a halt, but EHR is still recording! For chapters 2 and 3, we talk about Team Chuck Tingle, Sweaty Chic, The Peak of A-Hole, and Mat's Juicy Couture Shorts. Wash your hands and stay horny for Mat, everyone!
Episode 108: Pain Box
It's not the pandemic that's got us down; it's all the misogyny in chapters 4 & 5. We cope with Ogier Minecraft Vision, the Sex Tent, Perma-Gai'shain, Baylee Domon, and the harsh reality that Robert Jordan just didn't know about sports bras.
Episode 109: Minions, When Slaughtered
For chapters 6 & 7, we've captured the Day 17 (at the time of recording) mood: the Live Action Despicable Me Remake. There's also Record-Breaking Boner Talk, Rand's Shawshank Redemption, Illegal Dream Homework, and the Dirty Emond's Field Watering Hole.
Episode 110: CSI Wheelworld
Welcome to Whitecloak Country, y'all! In chapters 8, 9, & 10, Nynaeve does a Dust Storm Whoopsie, Elayne has a terminal case of Desire Within the Patriarchy, Juilin Trains the Police, and we meet someone whose name is definitely pronounced Rhonda.
Episode 111: Lugard, a Great Place to Hide a Body
For chapters 11 & 12, we visit (and try to pronounce) Lugard, demand Reasonably Sized Text, salute the Once and Future Pope, and discuss the Whitecloak Witch Capture Quota. TW: We talk about sexual assault in this episode.
Episode 112: Well-Turned Leggies
Our coverage of chapters 13 & 14 is weirdly leg-centric, but that's just because Valan Luca is here now. Conversation topics include: Celebrity Man Legs, Baba Yaga House With Chris's Legs, Jon Hamm Island, and the Sharan Spider Infestation.
Episode 113: We Are Not Condoning the Assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand
You might think the title of this episode says it all about chapters 15 & 16, but there's so much more to the story: HGTV Amyrlin Office, Man Talk, and Trom: Legend. We go zero to a hundred, just like Elayne about Galad and World War I.
Episode 114: An Ode to Well-Legged Devin
If we are being honest, the bulk of this episode (ch. 17-19) is a discussion about sexualized fruits. But we made time for a discussion about Valan Luca's Circus of Hiding People, Blaming Rand's Dick on a Cosmic Level, Gaebril/Gerbil, and False "Feminism" Fatigue. TW: We discuss sexual assault in this episode.
Episode 115: Melancholy Culkin
After reading chapters 20 & 21, we have decided to run for governor. Join us as we blaze our campaign trail and talk about Jenga Mountains, Hashtag Vulture Hate, Baby Asmodean, Brandbert, and Normalizing Unsexual Tension.
Episode 116: Dunking on Bono
Our coverage of ch. 22-23 is brought to you by Subaru! We talk about Mat's Dump-truck Ass, Leo's Bear Invulnerability, Bastard Requirements, and, of course, Wheel of Time sex ed: If You Have Sex, You WILL Be Attacked by Trollocs, and You WILL Die.
Episode 117: Egghienda, an Omelet
Sadly, chapters 24 and 25, though thematically romantic, aren't as sexy as we'd like. Join us as we talk about Egwene's Domesticity Dreams, the Devil Wears Prada Syndrome, Elaida's HGTV Dream Home, and Horny Anime Nosebleeds!
Episode 118: Read Black Authors, Not Wheel of Time
Read Black revolutionary texts: https://tinyurl.com/yabm3ggz
Buy from Black-owned bookstores: https://aalbc.com/bookstores/list.php
Support Black Lives Matter: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/#
Episode 119: Chekhov’s Halo of Greatness
In our coverage of ch. 26-28, we really challenge ourselves: to understand whether Min has an Oedipus complex, to rate Gareth Bryne's misogynistic comments, to name at least six Aes Sedai, and to look into Siuan's floating Gatsby eyes. Good luck.
Episode 120: Snap, Crackle, Squash
Oh, chapters 29 and 30? You mean the ones where a woman gets dismembered and Rand doesn't know what taxes are? Hard pass. We talk about Immune System Football, Officer Nepotism, Ghost Vampires, and the Bra/Public Execution Scale.
Episode 121: The Enya Enigma
This episode is so long, just because there is so much misogyny, toxic masculinity, bad writing, and issues of consent in the Sex Igloo chapters (31 and 32). We'll lay it all out for you. But don't worry -- we will also wonder Where Enya Is Now for ten minutes.
Episode 122: Tittelligence
For chapters 33 and 34, we recover from sex igloo mostly by making fun of Elayne. We'll talk about her Sudden Passion for Carpentry, Galad Eating Falafel, the Forsaken's Chair Personalities, and, of course, Emily's Wonky Right Hip.
Episode 123: The Most Dangerous Game
In chapters 35 and 36, Elayne wrestles with some sticky consent issues, Robert Jordan plays queer-coding dodgeball, Valan Luca is a cult leader, and Birgitte is the only emotionally healthy person in this circus full of bummers. Enjoy!
Episode 124: Pocketfuls of Confetti
Emily "Eyeball" Juchau and Sally "Sadness" Goodger are back after a brief hiatus to talk about ch. 37 and 38. We'll discuss the history of circuses and "freak shows" and the intersections between human cruelty and animal cruelty. If that sounds like a downer, worry not: there's a guy named Philip Ass-ley involved.
Episode 125: The Jon Hamm Bubble
Chapters 39 and 40 are here to teach us all about cults (and whether you're in one)! Discussion topics include: a Tybalt-centric Universe, Masema's 12 Friends Justice System, Alliandre's Resume, and Fergalicious Galaxy Brain.
Episode 126: The Holy Quadrangle of Fascinating Dildo Things
As the title implies, there's a highly graphic sidebar in this episode about the big blue dildo in HBO's "Watchmen." Whoops! More WoT-centric topics include: Glass-Blowing Inconsistencies, Mat's Transition Lenses, and Miners vs. Minors. Chapters 41 & 42.
Episode 127: Fantasy Jesus Has a Death Wish
We'd like to remind you that we are not the glee club. Other discussion topics for chapters 43-44 include: Signature for Ants, Beefalo, and Mantrum with Lantrum. Plus, for the first time ever, Lan actually acts like a good mentor?
Episode 128: Were-Pokemon
This week, we cover ch. 45-46, and Mat goes on Reddit to ask: AITA? Meanwhile, Asmodean can't pronounce the word "friend," Moiraine supervises Special K, the nobility suffer through an unsanitary spear kissing ritual, and Robert Jordan uses his page space unwisely. What else is new?
Episode 129: Analysis Juice
Robert Jordan is taking leaves in ch. 47 & 48, just like he always does. Other discussion topics include: Egg's Amyrlin Box, Jazz Hands Shimmying, Be Nicer to Mat 2k20, and Galad's Bleached Violence.
Episode 130: Sisters or Coworkers, No In Between
Ch. 49 and 50 are so, so long. There's no humor to be found in them, but a lot of questions: Should Sherlock Holmes be sexy? Is smuggling a victimless crime? Are the seals actually important? Has Robert Jordan heard of friends?
Episode 131: Titty Graveyard
We've reached one of the most iconic sequences in the Wheel of Time: when Moiraine stage manages the HELL out of her own "death." For ch. 51 & 52, we also talk about Sexy Zombie Mat, Catching Frish, Don't Skin the Messenger, and Sulin Joining Mat's War Council.
Episode 132: Men Don’t Have Tear Ducts
If you think men have tear ducts, chapters 53-54 will prove you wrong. This episode will also prove that Emily is gay and can't do math, that Lan has reached a new low on the break-up scale (BENEATH Facebook Messenger break-up), and that we're all just following Fast and Furious logic.
Episode 133: Last Battle Participation Trophy
The heavens have been fired, and we're officially done with book five! And what a chaotic ride it's been. For chapters 55-56, we talk about Moghedien's Opera Glasses, how Nynaeve Has the High Ground, and Rand's School for Boys Who Want to Do Magic.